OCTOBER 7, 2003
so... i've introduced myself to a couple of people in my philosophy class. it's like this whole meeting of the few people that actually come
on time for class. turns out that i'm one of the younger people in the class, but anything that the older people argue about i totally agree
with. their almost nihilistic views of life aren't as trite as i thought they'd sound. one guy he's 23 years old and he's already been
divorced, he said that he got married at the age of nineteen. it's so weird though. i don't feel like getting my pencil and hand and stabbing
them in the eye. their almost interesting. we we're just telling stories about the youth. haha... this girl said that her friend, who's a
fifth grade school teacher, found out that one of her students were pregnant. wtf?! an eleven/twelve year old girl is pregnant. when i was in
fifth grade i played hand ball with guys. i played tag. i was no where near developed. imagine what that girl might feel. her reputation is
now trashed. her parents are probably devastated. but then again, the parents are partly to blame. social upbringing plays such a major
factor in a person's character... it's sad. this world is doomed.
i can smell the corruption in the air.
so yeah... on october twenty something i'm invited to this scholarship thing. erm.. i have class. i mean i know the teacher would understand
but still... at that time i have my most important class. world art. X.X that class drain's me. and i have a quiz this thursday that i have
to ace. HAVE to.
need to go to utrecht again. it's better being a little busy, right?
dashboard confessionals- hands down| 7:39 pm
OCTOBER 6, 2003
nothing drives me anymore. came straight home from school. should have stayed in the library and studied but home feels so much nicer. i love
my three hours of peace and quiet. got my math test back. not proud at all about my score because it's child's play. seriously. i hate my
math class. it's one of those required courses. so last night i fully admitted to myself that i hate school. and i though i'd learn to like
the whole college experience. turns out that i never will.. . that pictures from the blackout that occured over the summer. i remember using
a flashlight to wash up at night. it was a bit eerie to walk through dark halls with a candle or flashlight at hand, but it was fun. sort of
reminds me of how simple things are if something like a blackout occurs, what thoreau philosophized. read something by him for english and
thought it was absolutely charming. living an absolutely simple life. i'd love to be able to do that, but i know i couldn't. i already know
that modern technology has sucked in a good chunk of me. come on, i can't maintain my sanity without my cd player. sad, no?
atwood victimized women to get her point across.
so my pornography essay was reviewed by a couple of people. surprizingly they liked it. i can't believe that it's legal. i know that america
will never make it illegal. men in congress probably made a secret vow to never make it illegal. and with the ever so ubiquitous black
market, it'll never happen. it's sad. it shows how sheltered i am to realize all of this now.
i wish to be full of knowledge. i hate being so ignorant. i hate not knowing anything.
the starting line- best of me| 4:43 pm
OCTOBER 5, 2003
the cello will have to wait. go figure. the lone thing i've been excited about. the one thing that i truly want to do...
my father tried to make an arguement about school to me. somehow school's managed to make the biggest rebuttal towards whatever i want.
instead of the barage of questions they ask why can't they support the fact that thier daughter wants to learn to play an instrument. i
wished they'd understand that i'm putting whatever dignity i have away to learn something that little kids decide to learn. then my father
asked about the piano. i told him frankly i hated the piano. i've always the piano. i started late so whatever that comes naturally to a
little kids came with much more difficulty to me.
i hated the piano. i hated it. the only reason why my mom forced me to learn it was because all korean girls should have some sort of
knowledge about the piano. it's too late though.
i watched my cousin's recital from college back in 92. she's amazing. absoutely amazing. and i respect her so much for being able to play
piano professionally. she's blessed with so many things. a harvard graduate for a husband. two charming little boys. nice house. the works. i
remember once my father said something about how well my cousin has done in her life. a way of saying don't screw up. meet a smart guy. have
kids. but i don't want to. not yet. i'm still tied to my proclimation of celibecy. it would be nice to meet someone great but i don't deserve
those kinds of things. i know i don't deserve a lot of the things i have. but if God bestowed me a cello and the ability to play beautifully
i wouldn't need anything else. it's sad how i'm already putting so much burdens onto my potential cello. it's the only friend that i know
will be trusting. diaries aren't even private enough for me. people peek in. and someone could be reading this as well. but i'll be ignorant
about this web space.
this whole family's late on everything. i'm late for everything. as morbid as it sounds... the only thing that i'll be able to do on time or
early is die....
i watched lilo and stitch last night. it made me feel like booking a red eye flight to hawaii. i'm hooked on the opening song.
lilo and stitch- he mele no lilo| 8:41 pm
i wish i could live in a different time period. i hate the "now" that i'm living in.
__- ____| 11:27 am
OCTOBER 4, 2003
it's become almost annoying how my mom's been wanting to treat me. do all college students get this weird special treatment from their
parents? or am i just unfamiliar with family bonding? .. it's creepy. i should take any of this for granted but still.
to be honest. i'm still mad at myself about risd. i know i should let go and just deal, but i can't. more like i don't want to because i
haven't made this awesome arguement on how much i really wanted to go. i know i'm blessed to be attending college for free. but every time i
watch a tv show that portrays college life for when i hear how fun it is to dorm and stuff i can't help but get jealous. maybe i should have
scored higher on my SAT's. maybe if i attended VPA more i would have become better. it's my fault for not being a better person.
i hate the fact that everything i'm doing is at least three years too late. i'm going to learn how to play the cello at the age of eighteen.
sure there are people who decide to start later but still. maybe because i'm older and have a sense of what pride is i can't face it. it
nearly humiliating to know that there are kids half your age better than you. and i keep telling myself that it's better late than never. but
i can't bear it. my cello teacher's probably only a few years older than i am. my mom keeps telling why i haven't said anything about this
earlier. sometimes i just feel like plain bitching at her for raising me to be the person that i am. is it really my fault? ... sometimes i
wish i were those extremely gifted kids that learned how to play an instrument at an early age. i am insanely jealous of those people. it's
such a beautiful thing to learn how to play an instrument. but somehow i think it's meaning transcend if you've grown up with it. i've always
wanted to attach myself to an instrument. but instead i learned piano at a late age. and what good has that done? now the only use for the
piano is to hold a couple picture frames and a bowl of fruit. piano was useless. and even that i started too late. i don't get it.
did i lack something in my part?
saw that nova special on archimedes. it's amazing. centuries ahead of his time. and if that stupid monk didn't have that idea of using the
copied notes of archimedes as paper for scripture we'd be at such an advanced time, well in my opinion. this guy made discoveries that people
just scratched the surface with during the renaissance. hmm... 300bce and 1400-1600 ce.
useless. i've managed to do a lot of things by myself. not boasting at all. simple truth. their only use for now is the privilage of living
with them in this ghetto ass building. shelter to put it simply. and when i do ask them for something they end up delaying it. or it ends up
being delayed. everything's too late. and just the though of waiting in a music room with five year olds could drive me to hysterics. i can't
stand it.
i hate college. i hate waking up in the morning just because i know i have to go take the bus to get to some school down the long street of
kennedy blvd. i hate it. i hate the fucking school. i hate being surrouded by the students that attend there and i hate the fact that three
out of the five days there i have to spend lunch time with some dumbfuck who i don't even like the company of. the other day i was planning
to go to barnes and nobles by myself and somehow he managed to go with me. and retarded me can't say no because i can't. i really dislike his
company. seriously, he's so annoying.
i should consider myself bless and all but for now, i don't want to.
and it's times like these when i wished i had someone that i loved.
staind- so far away| 10:34 pm
